Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
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Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I’ve been drinking.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me