Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
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Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Meowchelangelo
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.