My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
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Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
O Wise One….
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off