cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
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Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Is this you?
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
A drum solo but on your face.