I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
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[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
What a year we’ve had this week.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?