Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
You Might Also Like
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
this is 10/10 content no notes
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds