[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
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They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*