My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
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I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
fr
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
shut up and take my money