[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
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*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi