Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
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Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
True
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
“What?”
– Jude
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
I feel seen
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”