Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
You Might Also Like
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
j o i m p
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.