My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
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Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Finally! 😈
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg