My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
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Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
english majors be like furthermore
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.