If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
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“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*