thank god
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If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets