Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
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5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Wednesday
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.