her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
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What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
I don’t think my car can fly
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]