People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
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nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Good point.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
lmao
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?