what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
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British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket
MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Received some very disappointing news today
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators