I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
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“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Dead sexy!!
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”