I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
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Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
somebody come look at this
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.