[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
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[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!