Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
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*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.