A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
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Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!