Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
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“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Heroic Misunderstanding
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death