Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
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No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
That’s amazing.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
no one likes gloating
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?