My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
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Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Dietest Coke
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
The prophecy is fulfilled
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts