Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
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The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
OMFG!
I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.
Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,
I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Ovenable?
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”