[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
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Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.