If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
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Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore