I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
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The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
so weird how every mom was born today
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.