Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
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Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.