Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
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[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best