I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
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And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
kevin is now a local weatherman
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?