motivation
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My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
he looks great for his age
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Usage Guidelines
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
thanks auntie mary
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”