How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
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I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant