A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
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ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Same pineapple, same
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
no cat here
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”