Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
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kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
How to draw a duck
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
This is not me but this is me
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…