I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
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Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
My what?
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so