[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
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Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Well, shit
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.