My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
You Might Also Like
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭