Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
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*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Mistakes were made
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.