Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
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*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
I need a headline like this
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more