Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
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And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.