experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
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snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!