Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
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Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
I feel like one of these would kill a European
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another