Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
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Velcrow
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
🙀🙀🙀😹
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k