hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
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Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Pat is about to own someone
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes