Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
You Might Also Like
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.