Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
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“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle